No Sound

Like every other morning at work. Whenever I didn't feel like having big breakfast, I'd get my can of mixed nuts. And chew chew away.



Reading blogs, of course. Part of the every day ritual.

Suddenly...



I felt a certain pain, glided though the inner layer of my stomach. As if, someone was squeezing me from inside.

It wasn't too painful. But I knew something wasn't right.

Could it be? Could it be the 20 Oz. Pineapple Pleasure Smoothie that I had last night at the Penn Station? (By the way, the Secret Service Boys were really hot that night... The place was filled with cute policemen as well.)



Or was it the roasted almonds I ate before bed?

Could it be the food from the buffet?

Just when I was really digging down my skull for the possible reason for the pain.

The pain was gone.

But... I felt something.



Like a bullet, that puff of gas thrust right though my *other* opening and out into the open space.

It wasn't too loud at all. Just a simple, gentle, quiet "poof."

I, farted.



And it f**king stinks.



Way worst than fermented milk and rotten fish liver.

It'd had to be what maggot poo smells like.

Just as I was fanning myself, I heard my name.

Someone was coming.

I had no time walk around the desk with my air refresher.



DeeDee, someone who I work with on a project, came to my desk.



And all of the sudden, he stopped.

Heart racing like a rat on crack, I was very nervous.



Then silence took over.

I was too embarrassed to look at him.

He must have smelled it too.



Oh gosh, what is he going to think?

Am I going to make Asians look bad?! Would he think that all Asians fart like this?!

Oh, I'm so ashamed. I'm so ashamed!

Oh I'm a disgrace. I have disgraced my people. I have brought no honor to my family.

The moment of silence lasted about 20 seconds, before the gas got diluted by fresh air.

As if nothing happened. We resumed work.

I know it has been days. But something's coming.

Me & the Bathroom Wall

Okay, someone requested me to take a more recent picture of myself. So, here it is:

Song Bird Adventure III

"I'm Number 19! I'm here!"

A lady in her mid 40's rushed into the hallway. Her floral pink dress made look like a strawberry. And this strawberry had a bag of food in her hand.

"I went to get lunch. Sorry."

The registration lady smiled at her and took her into the filming room.

Compare to Fanny's face to Ms. Strawberry, made my heart burst.

Fanny looked so disappointed. I felt so bad, for giving him such high hope, and encouragement to participate in this contest.

"Oh well, that's that. I'm done." He sighed.

"Did they ask you to sing a second song?" Asked David.

"No. After the first song, they let me go."

"Why? Why?!" I had to ask.

"They don't like the song I picked. They said it's too religious."

"What about your voice?"

"They didn't say anything about my voice."

And I was upset by the fact, that the judges were judging the contestants by the song choice, not the quality of the voice.

Further more, Fanny told us that the old lady before him sang two traditional country songs. The judges didn't like her, but asked her to do animal sounds. There was another lady, she was asked by the judge to sing a song by Teresa Teng (legendary Taiwanese Singer) and after she sang, they asked her to go.

Then, the article that I read while in the waiting room, popped up in my head. How this competition will produce one Asian Idol out of contestants from all US, and then will compete against the one from Asia for the ultimate prize. William Hung will be the guest performer at the final competition. And don't forget, there will be clips of behind the scene, where we get to see contestant's messed up performance, their raw talent, and many other funny scenes.

It seemed to me that when the judges don't like a certain contestant, they would amuse themselves by humiliated or ask the contestants to do stupid stuff.

I was on fire. And I was ready. I got nothing to loose. I wasn't here to compete. I'm here to cheer. I'm here representing all the contestants who left the room with shattered dreams.

"Number 21 to 26, please come in."

Following David, all of us went into the room.

There were two men and one women sitting at the judging table.

They seemed bored.

"Okay, Number 21."

David went up to the stage. He looked at the judges, and didn't know what to do next.

"Should I just start?"

"No. Introduce yourself first."

"Okay, I'm David and I'm from New York....." (And he went on to say where he lives, the name of the song, the artist, etc.)

Then he started to sing.

It was my first time meeting David, and the first time hearing him singing.

Very nice. That boy can sing!

The judges were quiet. They were all concentrating on David's performance.

Ding.

The first judge rang the bell. And followed by the critics from the rest of them.

"You have a great tone. But there can be a better song choice."

"You need to sing louder. I can hear your voice well when you hit the high note. But I had to really concentrate to hear the rest of the song."

"Try singing something that's more common."

Then the first judge asked him to sing a song that I couldn't identify.

David, being a karaoke go-er, sang the song right away.

Then the judges asked David to come back for round two, at 3:00PM.

David thanked the judges then was lead outside of the room.

I watched David left the room as the announcer said "Number 22, please come up."

Took a quick deep breath, I stood up from the chair and walked up the stage.

I looked at the judges, smile, and said. "HI. My Name is Wayne, and I'm here to sing The Birthday Song!"

The three of them seemed shocked. Especially the female judge.

Without giving a damn, I started to sing.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUUUUUUU

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

HAPPPPPYYY BIRTTTHHDAAAYYYY TOOOOOOOO YOUUUUUUUUUU (and I did the Xtina hand gesture)

There was a split second of silence before judge number 1 said..."Uh... Birthday song. Why Birthday song?"

"This is the song that I'm familiar with. I'm comfortable with this song. Why should I pick a song and try to high that freakin' high note when I know I can't?"

"Is there anything that you can show us? Another talent?" asked judge number 1.

"Sure. I was doing this outside while waiting..."

Then I started my tummy rub head pat pat routine.

Judge 1 and 3 giggled.

The female judge, looking rather pissed. (Probably thought I was unprofessional)
She Asked if I have another song that I can sing.

I replied, "Sure. How about Happy Birthday in Mandarin?"

Judged number 1 laughed.

"Anything but the Birthday song!" She glared at me.

"I noticed you were doing a little Jazz in your performance. I'd like to hear more of your voice." (F**KER, what the F**K are you talking about? What Jazz? It's DIVA-QUE!)

"Well, what song do you want me to sing? I don't want to pick a random song that will make you guys telling me that I made a bad song choice."

"Ooooh...." Judge number 3 made a sound.

"How about XXXXXX? (a song title that I've never heard of)" said Judge number 1 as he smirked at Judge number 2.

Damn Bastard.

"Oh, Sure. I sure hope that song was made during my generation so that I can find it at the record store down stairs."

Judge 1, laughed again.

"Wayne, why don't you come back at 3:00PM, with any song. So we can get a better understanding of your singing technique?"

"Okie Dokie. Thank you."

Then I went down the stage, and out to the hallway.

Fanny, asked how I did.

"They asked me to come back."

"Are you?"

"I don't know. Let's go eat."

Then we went eating... After lunch, Fanny decided to go home. David, wanted to take a nap before Round 2 of the competition. And I, went down to the subway station.

I had a Wigstock to catch.

Song Bird Adventure II

"Number 19, Number 19"

One of the staff members ran into the resting area.

"Number 19, Number 19"

A woman, in her early 40's, with a sticker marked "27" on her chest, stood up.

"I saw her earlier. She went out about 5 minutes ago."

The staff ran out of the room.

I looked at Fanny, the 20th person to compete. Then I look over at David, number 21.

"I have a feeling that we will be separated."

"Damn Number 19."

As expected, the staff couldn't find Number 19. So, Fanny ended up being called into the "competition room."

"He sure looked nervous." I said to David.

"He'll do fine."

"He will. He has that voice of gold."

"But I'm not sure about the song choice though."

"Exactly. I've never heard of that song."

In front of us, Number 23, a girl in her teens, in black tank top, seemed really quiet. Her rose-y cheek and terrifying eyes told us that she was scared.

Next to her, Number 24, a typical stereotyped-looking Asian American Banana boy, was quiet too. He was busy listening to his CD Player.

David's face turned slightly red as well.

For the contestants, this could be the chance to be the next Asian American Idol. (How come there was no Asian version of Ryan Seacrest there? Damn it)

Myself, on the other hand, even though I had the Number 22 sticker on my, I was really part of the "Friends and Family Cheer Leading Squad." And, to fulfill my duty, I started to do weird stuff.

"Hey, Number 23, you seemed nervous."

"I am. Aren’t you nervous?"

"Not really. I'm the cheerleader."

"What?"

Then I explained to her that I signed up to watch Fanny and David performs.

"What are you going to do when they call you on stage?"

"Sing. Of course. This is a singing contest after all."

"What song are you going to sing?"

I looked at her. I had a feeling that she wanted to know who she will be competing with.

"The Birthday Song." I said. Firmly.

"YOU are KIDDING ME."

"I'm not prepared. I don't sing. I can't sing. The only song that I can remember the lyrics, is the Birthday Song."

She turned to David. "Is he serious?!"

David nodded his head.

To ease the tension for the nervous contestants, I started to crack some jokes.

"See, on the contest poster, it said that they might ask us to do special talent."

Down the hall way, a guy in a black tank top was practicing his brick dance.

"Do you have a special talent?" Number 23 asked.

David: "I don't know. I didn't know much about the contest until now."

"Yeah." I said with confidant.

"What is it?"

"THIS!!" I rubbed clock-wise my tummy with my left hand and pat my head with my right.

"What the...."

Then I reverse really quickly. Rubbed my tummy with my right hand in circles and pat my head with my left. And I didn't break the pattern.

David, Number 23 and 24 cracked up. They laughed.

The registration lady came. "That's not a talent!"

"Yeah, you do it!"

So she started to rub her tummy with her left hand... And pat her head with her right...

"Now Switch!"

She switched, but her pattern was messed up.

Number 24: "See! You can't do it!"

The registration lady laughed. Then a staff member came, and tried to do it... But ended up the same messed up routine. We all laughed.

All of the sudden, number 17 walked out of the room.

Number 23 quickly asked her..."How was it? Did they ask you to sing a 2nd song?"

Number 17, seemed that she didn't noticed Number 23, walked straight down the hallway and disappeared behind the elevator doors.

"She must be crushed." I said.

"Tough Judges?"

"If they want to make this show like American Idol, they had to include at least 1 mean bitter-mouth Judge like Simon. And probably a Paula too."

Number 24, stood up. "Yeah. This is going to be hard."

It turned out, Number 23 and 24 have met previous in another singing contest.

Then a camera crew came to us. A lady dressed in light purple, approached us with a microphone.

"Hello Contestants. Care for an interview?"

Number 23 and 24 backed up as if the reporter is covered in maggots. "No, No, No"

It was just David and I, leaning against the wall.

The camera man shined the light on us. The microphone came up to my nose level.

Reporter: "(In Mandarin) Do you think you can meet a lot of friends in going to competitions?"

Wayne: "Sure. I must met Number 23 and 24, and I think we are friends now. I'd be looking forward to see them in the future."

Reporter: "(In Mandarin) What do you think that brought all of you guys here today?"

Wayne: "I'm here to cheer for my friends. For other contestants, maybe the passion for singing. Or that Price Money that I've been drooling for in the last 30 minutes."

Then the Cameraman came up to me. "Hey, I saw you were doing some funny stuff earlier. Want to do that again?"

"Sure."

So I did my tummy rubs, then I started to VOGUE (Yep. VOGUE BABY) and ended with a regular "HI MOM! I hope you don't see me here!!" shout.

After the camera crew left, the rest of us got back in our line, waiting to be called.

"Woof Woof Woof"

"Meow Meow"

"Baahhhh..."

David: "What the heck..?"

Sounds of animal came though the wall.

Number 24: "The judges ask the contestants to do voices?"

"Weird."

We continued to joke around, until Fanny walked out of the room.

Face, pale. Eyes, depressed.

He shook his head at David and me.

To be continued...

Song Bird Adventure

So Fanny called, and told me that on Saturday, he had to go some kind of Singing contest, and will not be able to hang out until later.

Wayne over the phone: "Why, sweetheart. Thank you for inviting me."

Fanny: "Ah, do you want to come? I'll go pick you up tomorrow."

Wayne: "Oh really? Only at your convenience!!"

I guess I self-invite myself there. Guilty trip is lovely, sometimes, when dealing with people like Fanny. They are just too nice. (tsk tsk tsk, I'm such a naughty girl.)

But anyway, Fanny has a set of awesome (and sexy deep) voice. Every time when we go to Karaoke, it's always a treat to hear him sing.

So, Fanny heard about the contest from David, whom I've never met. But I'll cheer for him as well. (Yep. I can't sing SH*T. But I can sure cheer!)

On Saturday morning, Fanny came and picked me up. It took us 30 minutes to arrive at Flushing, Queens. (I gave him the wrong direction, so he had to make extra turn)

"Hello?" Fanny picked up the cell phone.

"Oh, okay."

"We're almost there."

"Okay."

David called, he was still in bed.

No matter. If necessary, I can get a number for him.

Fanny seemed pretty clam, for someone who's anticipating a contest. And that's exactly what all contestants need to be. Upon arriving at the registration booth, we found out that this 'process of elimination' will air on National Satellite TV. (On a Chinese TV channel)

Face red. Fanny put down the registration form.

"Wayne, let's go."

"What?!"

"I don't want to do this contest."

"And I wake up early in the morning for nothing. You B*tch."

"I don't think this is a good idea."

Then, being the Mama Fairy that I yam, I started to lecture him on how people are given chances, and they will never know what would have happen if they never take them. Besides, what's there to loose? His parents don't subscribe to Satellite TV, none of his friends do. So none of them will see him.

I grabbed a registration form, and a pen.

"Fanny, I'm so tired. I need to sit down."

So, I dragged Fanny into the waiting room. Then David arrived.

After a brief chat, both of them filled up the form.

***** Skips the part where we went out, and then came back ******

Lady at the registration table: "Because we are filming in the room, we don't allow family and friends go to in."

Wayne, his jaw dropped. "WHAT?! I came all the way from Long Island to cheer for my friends... And..."

Fanny: "Why don't you sign up? So we can be in the same group."

I looked at Fanny.

Then I looked at David.

I grabbed a pen, and got a form from the lady... And fill it up in a heart beat.

To be continued...

Eye Candies of the Day: The Love Story

I ran across this picture while doing my usual llama photo search.



See those watery eyes? The two llamas must been pretty much in love. How they lean against each other...

Totally cute.

And later, I found out that one of them is called Zack, and the other is Bandit.

Fabulous.

*Meep*

Blog-break, new post on Friday :) Thankee Dankee Doo!

Baby Step 1

Well, the post for Tuesday is supposed to be a fun one. At least, not as 'down' compare to what I wrote about Jacob. But this babe needs some inspiration, so, Mama's got to give it to him.

I was supposed to write about this back in January of this year. But for some reason, I couldn't finish it. (Yep. I started it) It wasn't the right time.

Now, sitting in front of my new computer at work, I regret that I never saved that word document in the share drive... I'll have to start all over again.

Here, I unfold the event that really changed my relationship with my sister - and me.

It all started 6 years ago, the week before the Female Love Bird moved to New York...

****************************

Being bothered by the recent broke up with his ex; Wayne had a lot on his mind. He returned home from school, to spend the weekend with his sister, before she moves to New York.

The night that Wayne arrived home, he flipped though his drawer, and dug out a letter that Ex #1 wrote him few years back.

"Stupid Wayne. Never learned." He reminded himself.

Wayne shoveled the letter into a story book (given by EX#1 as well) and placed it on his desk. Then he walked out of his room to greet his mother down stairs.

The afternoon in the following day, Wayne was eating Japanese Ramen with his sister at a local restaurant. Wayne sensed that his sister seemed bothered.

Sister: "Wayne, is there something you want to tell me?"

Wayne: "What?"

Sister: "Well..."

Then she said, word by word, lines from the letter sent from Wayne's Ex.

Frozen. Shocked. And terrified. Wayne didn't know what to do. He didn't know how to react in a situation like that. He wasn't prepared. Totally unprepared.

Wayne looked down on his bowl.

Sister: ".... Just Be careful."

The two of them ate silently. No more exchange of words. It was definitely an awkward moment for Wayne.

On the drive back home.

Heart beating fast, Wayne summoned all his courage and said...

"I think I'm gay." (Yeah, I used the word "Think" - what was I thinking)

"What are you talking about?" The sister said, voice shaken.

"I think I'm gay."

The sister parked the car to the side of the street.

"I want you think first before you say it again. Are you sure?" The sister panics.

"Homosexual. Gay. I like men." Words flew out of Wayne's mouth as he tried to calm himself down.

"This is too scary. This is too scary!" The sister said in Mandarin.

"Do you know that this cannot happen to you?! This shouldn't be happening!" She said.

"You cannot be gay. Do you hear me? You canNOT be gay!" Her voice trembled.

"Did you hear what I said? You will NOT be gay." She cried.

Tears burst out of Wayne's eyes, and he sobbed uncontrollably.

"I... I cannot help myself..." Wayne mumbled, as tears rolled down his cheek and into his open lips.

"This is too scary... I cannot believe this is happening to you."

Her hands on the wheel, she turned to look at Wayne.

"So, you think Steve is attraction? You think he's good looking?!"

"No... Of course not. He's ugly." Wayne said.

"Are you afraid of Girls?"

"Do you hate girls?"

"Do you get a hard-on when you see guys?!"

".........Y....Yes...." Embarrassed, and scared. Wayne replied in a near-whispering tone.

For the next 30 minutes, the car was filled with sobbing sound from a gay Asian man, and words from a woman who tried to convinced herself what just happened, wasn't real.

For the 5 minutes after that, the tears have stopped. But hearts continue to pound.

The sister started the car.

"We have to tell Dad."

"What?" Wayne got scared.

"He needs to know."

"But..."

"Dad needs to know."

After the two got home. The sister quickly got on the speaker phone, and called their Dad, who was traveling in Asia at the time.

"Hello?"

"Wayne has something tell you." The sister said firmly.

Over the phone, Wayne repeated his "I think I'm gay." phrase several times.

"I've known since I was 12... I have been repressing myself for all these years..."

Silence remained on the other side of the phone until Wayne started to cry again.

"It is okay. It is okay. I totally understand." Dad said calmly.

"But... He can't be like this!" said the sister.

"If this is who he is... That's how he is going to be."

"We have to change him..." The sister started to tremble again.

As if Wayne just had 8oz of water, the tears started to flood his face.

"Of course I'm hurt to hear that you are gay. But no matter what, I'll love you as always. We will love you no matter what." Dad said slowly.

"So now, you no longer have to keep it to yourself. It's not a secret anymore. We can share the burden that you have."

Dad's words lifted the rocks what were on Wayne's shoulder. The tensions were gone, and Wayne felt relaxed. He felt accepted.

"Should... Should I tell mom?" Wayne asked.

"No... Not yet. She won't be able to handle it."

"What about kids? Wayne needs to marry...." The sister questioned.

"We'll talk about it later." Dad said.

Had to run to a meeting, Dad had to conclude our conversation.

Like a staged performance, as soon as the phone conversation was over, a new scene picked up.

Wayne and his sister acted as nothing happened. They resume their daily work routine.

Like nothing, nothing ever happened...

The next day, the sister took a day off work.

The following day, Wayne received an email from his sister, sent from work.

"Wayne. No matter what, we will love you and support you."

That was one of the heart-warming experience Wayne ever felt about his sister.

It was after two weeks, that the Dad had returned from the business trip that the 'gay' subject was brought up again.

The three of them, Dad, sister and Wayne were walking the dog at night.

9:15PM to be exact.

Sister remained quiet. But something told me she had many long discussions with Dad.

Dad: "Wayne, I believe that homosexuality is genetic. And no one in our family is gay."

Wayne: ".............."

Dad: "Your Uncle G, he's not gay. Don't listen to what other said. He loves women."

Dad giggled.

Wayne remained quiet. His heart beat increased. He knew that something wasn't right.

Dad: "What you are going though right now, is just a phase. You are confused."

"You just have to go out more, meet more girls."

"And one day, you will get married and have children. Lots of children."

"I've always wanted a grandson, You know. I even have his name prepared."

"When you are confused again, we can talk again. We'll help you and guide you to the right path."

Hurt, felt unjust, and betrayed. Wayne speed up and walked in front of the two.

Staying calm. He said coldly, "Nothing. I got nothing more to discuss with you."

And that was the beginning of the "Don't Ask Don't Tell" game.

****************************

Ever since I was young, I've always known that there's something different about myself. Aside from the being the infamous "Sissy Boy" that everyone called during Elementary School, I've always get along with girls. As if, I'm part of them.

At the age of 12, I didn't came to the realization of my "difference" until I learned the word "Homosexual" from the Channel 7 News, when they did a report on the Halloween Parade in West Hollywood.

Homosexual. So that was the word.

I have read it on papers and magazine.

That was what I am.

The following day, I remember asking my mom, "What if I'm a homosexual?"

She responded, "Then I'll go kill myself."

Ever since that, I've never brought up that topic with her again. And that was probably the reason I isolated myself from others during my school year.

Not that I was born as an anti-social person. I avoided interaction with others, so they won't suspect my homosexuality. Depressed, maybe. Oppressed was more of the word to describe how I grew up. Constantly fighting against my own feeling and thoughts of being a traditional Chinese man.

It was not until I moved away home to College, gained a little bit of independence, and interact with the school’s LGBT program... And with all the drama that I had in the past... I've finally feel comfortable in my own skin. I've gained the confidence that I'd never felt before. Some describe this 'confidence' as being "b*tchy" - But I classified it as obtaining the status of a "Princess."

And believe me; no one will take my crown away from me. Not even my Mom.

It's Summer Olympic!

Saturday Night @ the Living Room...

Female Love Bird: "Okay, we missed the first half of the opening."

Wayne: "Don' think we missed much. It's a long program."

Female Love Bird: "Right."

Male Love Bird: "Damn, look at the color of their shirt!"

TV: "BRAZIL!"

(Note: The order of the countries being announced are not accurate. Wayne has sever memory problem)

Famale Love Bird: "Very Colorful!"

Wayne: "Uh Huh." (Oh My Gawd. That guy is so HOT!)

TV: "ARGENTINA!"

Female Love Bird: "They have a lot of people."

Male Love Bird: "I bet China has more."

Wayne: "Uh Huh." (DAMN!! He's so HOT! MY GAWD!!)

TV: "BELGIUM!"

Female: "Chocolates anyone?"

Male Love Bird: "No thanks."

Wayne: "No." (SH*T! HOW HOT CAN THEY BE?!)

TV: "DENMARK!"

Male Love Bird: "Weeeeeeee! Look at that!"

Female Love Bird: "OH wow, she's gorgeous!"

Wayne: "Uh huh." (Oh Mamamia! Aye dios mio! That guy is sizzling!)

TV: "SPAIN!"

Female Love Bird: "Hey, we were just there!"

Male Love Bird: "Yeah Baby!"

Wayne: "Uh huh." (&^#$^@$^@*#$^*@#$, I'd do him. I'd totally do him!)

TV: "BULGARIA!"

Female Love Bird: "I'm going to fix some food."

Male Love Bird: "Thanks."

Wayne: "Uh huh." (I'd do him too! And him and him and him!)

TV: "PORTUGAL!"

Female Love Bird: "Wayne, want some watermelon?"

Wayne: "No thank you." (OH YUMMY!)

TV: "AUSTRALIA!"

Female Love Bird said something.

Male Love Bird made some sound.

Wayne: "Uh huh." (DAMN HANDSOME! Oh gawd, Oh gawd!)

TV: "TURKEY!"

Male Love Bird went to the kitchen.

Female Love Bird said something to him.

Wayne: "Uh Huh." (OH BABY! WHATDA BABE! OH MY! OH MY!!!)

TV: "SOUTH AFRICA!"

Wayne: "Uh Huh." (*DROOOL*)

TV: "GREECE!"

Wayne: "Ahem." (HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT DAMN HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT)

TV" "NEW ZEALAND!"

Wayne got all hot and bothered. He got up from the sofa.

"Okay. I'm heading to my room now. Good Night."


Moral of the story: Sailors and Judo Boys are F**KING HOT!

J.H. Part III

I moved my body closer to him.

Just a little closer. I said in my head.

There's just something about that moment, I felt the need of giving him warmth and comfort.

Helpless, he may seem. As if he was drawn into the big fish tank, he didn't blink an eye.

The room is dark. No one would suspect that we are guys. It will only be a quick hug. Really quick hug from behind....

I plotted the scandulous scene as I slide my body closer to him.

"Jacob..."

"Yeah?"

"... Have you told your parents about yourself?"

"Not yet. I'm planning to tell them next week."

"Remember what I said. You don't have to tell them."

"I want to. And you know how it is. I don't want to keep this burden to myself. I'm tired of hiding. Tired of lying. Tired of everything."

"I know, Jacob. Just make sure that you have a backup plan..."

"They don't care about me. What more can I loose?"

He turned around to face me.

"I just don't want you to get hurt."

With the thin light from the exit door, his blurry face showed no signs of fear. Or anything else.

"I'm not sure much of a help I am. But you know how to reach me if you need anything."

"I know." His voice faded out.

"...................."

"Come on, let's go." He stood up.

I followed him out to the Sun light and meet up with Park and the crew.

We went a couple more exhibits before it was time for us to depart.

But something felt awkward. Something was bothering me. There's just something I felt about Jacob... That there was something he wanted to show me.

We didn't talk much as we follow the others to the parking lot. Perhaps, we were both tired.

The good 20 minute drive seemed forever. The sound of the air conditioner was the only sound that kept us occupied. It was probably the longest silent moment that I've ever felt in a car.

From the reflection of the window, I could see Jacob sitting on the other side. Like a child that just woke up from the afternoon nap, his semi-close eyes focused on the ceiling of the car.

What was he thinking? I asked myself that question numerous times that day.

Jacob, unlike how he portrayed online... He was quite a busy thinker.

I kept my eyes on his reflection for a good amount of time, until the car went to a stop.

"Wayne, where do you want me to drop you off?" Asked Park.

"Here is fine."

"Okay."

We all got off the car.

Park extends his hand and shook my hand firmly. "It was nice meeting you. Thank you."

Then I walked over to Jacob and gave him a pat on the back.

"Bye Bye. Keep in touch. Okay?"

"Yeah." He smiled.

I waved and watch the car took off.

Two weeks after, I received a short email from Jacob.

Without going into details, the email wasn't the usual casual happy note.

The email described an angry father abusive father who threatens Jacob's life for 'turning' gay. A frighten mom, who watched the entire incident from afar. Frustrated, heartbroken, and probably physically hurt, Jacob ended the email with "I have had enough."

That was the last time I ever heard from him.

I sent him several emails. But never got any responds back.

I sent him cards over Thanksgiving, Halloween and Christmas, and never got any in return.

Flipping though pages in my notebook, I found Park's number. I called, hoping that he would be able to give me some news on Jacob.

But the number was disconnected.

The following year, I continued to send Jacob (his home address) cards over the Holiday. But like dropping a stone into a bottom (heh, bottom) less pit, I got no feedback.

Month after Month. Pretty soon, I started to get return emails that I sent. (But the cards that I sent never got returned)

He must have transferred to another school. I thought.

That was the time when I knew, I have lost total contact with him.

As if, he had left the country, to another world.

**************************

I cannot believe it has been 8 years.

Jacob, no matter where you are.

I hope you are happy.

Seriously, I want you to be happy.

J.H. Part II

"Are you sure?" I asked.

Jacob, looking rather pale, told me that he just had to get it out of his mind.

"But, are you ready? What do you think your parents will do? They might kick you out of the house!"

Being a worry-nut, I rather have Jacob stay safe until he's ready to live on his own. I suggested that he should wait, until he is financially capable. (As you can see, I'm a very practical person)

"I understand. I just want to get out of that place."

That boy seemed to have a lot in his mind. Which, I can sort of understand. Especially for someone living in an unhappy conservative family, being gay, and no close friends.

We had an early dinner at a local restaurant, then I walked him to the bus stop.

"It was good to see you in person, Wayne."

"My pleasure."

I stared into his eyes the same way he stared at mine.

We probably stood there, silent, facing each other for a good 40 seconds, before he went and placed himself behind the line of people waiting to get on the bus.

"Write soon." He mouthed.

I nodded my head, and gave him a smile.

That year, aside from emails, I've also sent him greeting cards on Holidays.

Then gradually, our exchanges of (e)mails have gone down. Perhaps, it was the school work to blame, or that my social at the new environment had taken off. I stopped writing to Jacob at the end of year.

Out of blue, during the second quarter of my second year in College, I've got an email from him.

From the email, I've learned that he had come out to his friends that he went to school with. There was a little struggle for his friends to accept him for who he is, but soon, the struggle became acceptance. And they wanted to come down to San Diego.

"Sea World?" I asked over the phone.

"Yeah." Jacob replied. He sounded different from what I could remember.

The tone of his voice was filled with confident. More mature.

So, they wanted to come down and check out Sea World. But I believe that was just an excuse. Jacob's friends were really good to him. Going to Sea World was only a cover up, for them to bring Jacob to see me. For the fact, I was the first and probably the only gay person that Jacob ever spoken to. Since, the gay population back then were pretty much non-existence in his neighborhood.

His friends seem very nice. (ALL Asian, for some reason) - They didn't seem to feel uneasy with my presence. (No. I wasn't all diva-que back then) They picked me up at the bus stop and we head straight (heh, straight) to Sea World.

Park, the tallest of group, was the driver. He also seemed to be the 'leader' who organized the entire trip. Even during our ride to the theme park, he had hinted that I should spend more time talking to Jacob.

Unlike the previous meeting, or how his voice sounded over the phone. Jacob seemed bothered. Distracted, rather. As if he left half of his brain some where on the way to San Diego.

While in line getting tickets, Park pulled me a side.

"Jacob is a very nice guy. You talk to him more."

"I know. I have known him for a period of time. Great guy."

"There are things we cannot help him, because we don't understand. But you can. Please, take as much time as you can, just talk to him."

"I will. Of course."

Park seemed a bit uneasy. As if, there's something he wanted me to do, yet didn't know how to word it.

After a couple of rides (there weren't many rides in Sea World. It's mainly a zoo) - the group split up. And Jacob and I had wondered off to see the Star Fish.

"Gosh. So hot."

"Yeah. The Sun is burning me." Jacob looked back at me.

We went and seek shelter at an indoor observatory. The air was definitely cooler.

We sat ourselves down at a dark corner in the room. Watching people waking back and forth in front of the gigantic tank.

Kelp all over the place.

"This place can be very creepy, depends on the time of the day." I whispers.

Jacob remained quiet.

"What are you thinking?" I asked.

Jacob's shadow told me that he was shaking his head.

"Something you want to talk about?"

"No. Nothing."

Then we sat, silently.

Watching him from behind, he seemed so thin and fragile.

I had a very strong urge of wrapping my arms around him. Just giving him a hug. I thought. Just a hug.

To be Continued...

J. H.

Sometimes, a single word would trigger, and bring back something that has been buried deep in memory. And there are times, a name, would remind you someone that you once knew, but lost in touch with.

Jacob

Someone was yelling that name while speeding walking on the Long Island Road.

"Jacob, wait up."

A man, probably in his early 20's, stopped. With a baseball cap on his head, he turned.

"Hurry up."

"I know. Too many people."

In less than a minute, the girl joined Jacob, and both of them walked though the door and entered the next cabin.

Jacob, Jacob. I only know one person with that name. A name that I have not heard or use for more than 8 years.

Jacob... Whatever happened to him?

*****************************

It all started with a simple "Hello" on the IRC. At the age of self-discovery, I was quite lucky to have felt comfortable being gay. And I really thank the people whom I have chatted online, because they helped me to understand that homosexuality is not a disease; being gay is okay. In the chat room #gayfriends, I have chatted with some great people. Merrick, JoeD, Snakeboy, LINC, and so many others... It wasn't like a consulting thing for me. We chat about everything. From school, work, clothes and Madonna. It was because we chat about things that people usually talk about, my own stereotype toward "Homos" became thin air. We are all the same.

But for "Aikira" is different. It all started up when he send me a private message, asking for my age.

"Finally. Someone my age."

It turned out, Jacob is actually a year older than me. Living in Sherman Oaks, some place that was far far far up north.

Jacob was in the same shoes (no, not Prada) I was. At an earlier stage of discovering his sexuality. Fear and desire surrounded his world. Coming out to his parents, was the last thing he wanted to do, but it's always the first thing in his mind. Yet, the desire of wanting to meet other gay men gave him the courage to take the first step.

He went online and found me.

He was looking for people he can talk to. People who are more interested in knowing him as a person, than trying to get into his pants. He needed someone to share ideas and exchange experiences.

We stayed a couple months as Pen pals, until I moved to San Diego for college.
Funny, how we never talked on the phone. That thought never came to mind.

One day, he decided to take the bus down to San Diego to visit me.

It was a very long trip, but that doesn't seem to stop him. There's something he wants to speak to me about, in person.

After waited at the bus stop for 45 minutes, the bus finally arrived.

Jacob seemed a lot smaller than me in personal. Being 1/2 Caucasian and 1/2 African American, he really had the exotic look and hair.

"Wayne?"

"Hi. You must be Jacob."

"Gosh, you are tall!"

"Not really. I'm pretty short compare to other guys in the school."

We shook hands.

"Finally. I get to see you in person!"

"Isn't that weird? I mean, we've known each other for such a long time, but never met."

We chatted more as I gave him a tour of the campus.

"So, how many people you have met? Offline, that is."

"One. You."

"Ohhhhh!"

Then he started to tell me about his plan in transferring to another college, his family problems, and how much he wants to move away.

"Well, you can do what I did. I'm all the way down in San Diego. It is not too far, and not too close from home. At least, I get to be on my own."

"They expect me to live at home while going to school. That's why I want to transfer."

Jacob's parents seemed to be the type, where they fight every day, and both were hot tempered. Financially, there seemed to be a problem too.

"Wayne, I don't know what to do. There are so many things going on right now."

"Then don't do anything. Just go with the flow, and wait until things are more settle, then you can do anything you want."

"I don't want to wait any more."

"What do you mean?"

"Wayne, I'm going to tell my parents."


To be continued....

OH SARAH!

Sarah McLachlan

Oh My Gawd. I just got back from her concert... I have to say... Ever since the Tori Amos concert, I've not been so vocally satisfied.

That woman is A M A Z I N G.

Murder He Wrote

"SCOTT!" Wayne screamed as he came to work.

On the top of the desk, Scott, aka Cyclops, was found.

Wayne: "SCOTT!!!! SCOTT!!!!!!"



"What Happened?! Are you Okay?!"

Then... From the corner of the table... A voice came.

"I know what happened. I know everything."

Wayne turned his head toward the source of the voice.

Wayne's Christmas Sheep: "I know who pushed Cyclops off the shelf. I saw everything."



Wayne's Christmas Sheep: "He fell. High above."



Wayne's Christmas Sheep: "Spiderman Jr., Wolverine and Venom tried to save him. But they couldn't. They weren't fast enough."

Wayne: "Who did it?! Who!?"

Wayne's Christmas Sheep: "Them! Them! It was Hulk and that Unidentified Mutant!! I saw them looking down from above. They pushed Scott off the edge!!"



Hulk: "Err... Excuse me?"

Unidentified Mutant: "I'm innocent."

Hulk: "Yeah. Me too."

Wayne: "Is that true?"

Wayne turns to Spiderman Sr.



Spiderman Sr. "I Dunno. I'm on Vacation."

Then... All of the sudden...



Cyclops: "Wayne. I'm fine. You forgot that I'm made of rubber? I won't break even if I fell from toilet seat onto the marble floor."

Wayne: "Ah, good to know that you're okay."

Cyclops, slowly, climbed up to the shelf, and back to where he was.



Magneto and the *Other* Unidentified Mutant greeted him.

Cyclops: "They boys are innocent. They have nothing to do with my fall."

Hulk: "Thanks man."

The first Unidentified Mutant: "Yeah dude."

Wayne on his chair and resume his work.

Then... after 2 minutes.... Wayne heard a scream.

Magneto: "SCOTT! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"



As if he was Zhang Ziyi, in her last scene in 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon', Scott bounced out of the shelf, and went flying down toward the surface of the desk.



Wayne: "Damn Tape."

Spinning Around


I'm spinning around~
Move outta my way~
I know you're feeling me~
'Cos you like it like this~

I'm breaking it down~
I'm not the same~
I know you're feeling me~
'Cos you like it like this~

Feeling me 'cos you like it like this~~ Oh, ooh~
Oh, I'm not the same~~
I know you like it like this, oh, ooh, yeah~~~~~~
Like it like this~
Like it like this~~~
Like it like this~~~~~


Wayne: "Ooh, I'm not the same~~~~"

*Knock* *Knock* The Manager stood silently at the entrance.

Manger: "Wayne?"

Wayne: ".........................."

Manager: "........................."

*Wayne's face turned red*

The Manager had an expression as if she was stunned by something.

*Moment of Silence*

Manager: ".... That's a Good Track."

Wayne: "Uh... Yeah."

The Elves and the Shoemaker


If you have never read the story, The Elves and the Shoemaker, you can read it by clicking on the picture above.

So, why posting an entry on the Elf story? Well, let me explain.

Z.z.zz.z.....

Oh, sorry. I'm kinda tired. But anyway, this morning, after I walked into the office... I quickly noticed something. Something's not right. (I'm very sensitive with my territory)

On the right shelf, my usual X-men little bubble head figures, magically, all stood up on their feet.

Jaw dropped. I went up to the shelf and inspect each little figure.

How in the world could these cheap-rubber-made-50-cents-twisted-shaped figures possibly stand on a flat surface?!

Then, Mr. Cyclops pointed out that one of his foot, is stuck on a 2-sided tape.

All of the figures were taped up.

WHO? Who did it?! I don't have any double sided tape!!!

I placed my bag on the ground on the ground, and then quickly saw that my little plant had been tipped over.



WHO? Who did it? Who knocked my plant?!

I went and fixed the plant in place... Then sat myself down.

While typing in my log-in ID and password, I noticed that someone had nicely, placed my plastic bags around the corner of my table. Nicely stacked.

GASP?! Even my MOM won't do this for me!!

And the paper tissues that were scattered around my desk had been nice folded together.

My pencil box got pushed back against the side of the computer, right next to my mirror.

MIRROR! It was behind my Telephone! Now it's next to my Pencil Box!!!

As for the paper clips where were wrapped inside of a dirty plastic bag, they had been dumped out, and was placed inside of a clean plastic little try.

OH MY GAWD

After seeing the gorgeous EVILL-WEE (Legolas, eat your heart out).. I soon realized that the Elves must have done it.

Yes. The Elves.

Those nice little elves came about my desk and did all these nice things for me.

Because...

See, that's the strange part. I don't believe I have been a Good Boy this year. (Heck, I was never a Good Boy) And it was too early for Christmas. What have I done to deserve all these goodies?

Okay, so the Pixies done it.

Or was it that I offered the flower-bowl candies to the cleaning lady last night?

Toilet Tale: Splatter Splat Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah

Warning: The following contains graphical graphics that may not be suitable for the innocent minds. If you are under the age of 17, please make sure that your parents are not around, before reading the entry. I don't want them to send me hate mails.

**********

Back in the old building has been a rather pleasant experience. Aside from being one of the potential "TARGETS" of the bombing... The employees are required to obtain a restroom key before they can release the toxins in their body. So, our restroom is exclusive for people working on the floor.

But for reason, people on the same floor also produce the nastiest smelling poo. (Oh, of course. NOT including me. I eat healthy and drink Floral Tea.) There are times, our restroom would smell like spoiled Guacamole with Sour Cream, and no one would use the toilet for hours.

So, that one day, maybe I had too much HOT CAKE in the morning or just had too much Planters Mix Nuts, my stomach was tumbling as if it was doing a floor exercise during an Olympic Event.



"Uhhhh.....Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........"

My stomach wasn't feeling too well. I knew that a flood would take place soon... And if I didn't do anything about it, things will go off control.

I took a quick glance at the clock.

11:23 PM

Great. It's passed 11.

Usually, no one would use the restroom from 7-10:30 PM, that's where everything would be nice and clean. But after 11PM, people would start go in and do their business.

But when you had to go, You've got to go.

And I did.



Speeding walking wasn't that bad. It gave my stomach just enough exercise to ensure that everything would come out nicely, and smoothly --- at a faster rate.

After unlocking the restroom door with my trembling hand, I went in.

NASTY.

The place smelled nasty. As if 50 people had been repeatedly used the restroom within the last 20 minutes.

The air was filled with the unique spoiled egg scent - with a hint of sour dough.

But I didn't have much choice. It'd take too long for me to get to the restroom down stairs... I might not even make it.

So I went to the stalls...



Which one should I use?

Tough choice. It was. I had no desire of opening one of surprise-doors and found my prize to be someone's vomit.

I wanted a clean toilet.

Clean.

Something that I can easily put 4 layers of Oil-Absorbing Toilet Seat Covers without having to hand-wipe the seat first.

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....Uhhhhhhhhhhhh...."

My stomach screamed.

I randomly ran into one of the stalls.



And the first thing I saw, was the open toilet seat with...



SH*T SPOTS.

Yes. The previous dump-er farted while taking the dump. The force of the fart blown parts of the liquidly sh*t onto the side of the bowl.

I could almost pictured the entire "Splatter-Splat-Blah-Blah-Blah-Blah-Blah" process in my head.

OH MY GAWD.

I backed myself out.



It was gross. So gross. Of all these time that I've worked with the company, I have never, ever seen anything like that.

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...."

My stomach gave out the warning signal.

I had to go. I had to go bad.

Then I ran into the stall to the right.

And was stunned by what I saw.



It had the similar fart splatter in the inner bowl area, but more this time. But something was different. I quickly identified that I saw...



BLOOD. Who ever was using this toilet, must had a lot of food, a lot of gas, and a lot of internal hemorrhoids.



I recovered fast enough to run into the last stall.

And saw what I have been trying to avoid the most.



The pile of un-flush-fresh Poo. The source of the aroma that had been terrifying the employees for years.

()&*$()!&$*#&*$_)#$(*@$*(#_&%*(&$(@!)&$(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why would anyone, want to leave that pile in the toilet?!

Just a simple push (or kick) - and flush the damn thing down!

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."

My stomach was in the state of emergency.



Holding my breath, I ran out of the stall as fast as I could.

And at the same time, foot steps were approaching the main door.

People were coming in.

With the speed of a train-ninja-wanna be, I slipped myself behind the main door and into the Handicapped stall.



And I was 100% certain they didn't see my face. I hate it when people saw me using the toilet.

Even though I felt slightly guilty for using the handicapped stall, but when a volcano was about to burst, not thing really matters.

Even though I was in a hurry, I still managed to place the toilet seat covers on the seat without missing any corners.

I sat myself down.

And let the de-toxic process flow.

And at the same time, I heard the men yelling...

The Picture



The picture above was taken, during my trip to San Diego (CA) earlier this year. It was at a Japanese Restaurant that I've been to many times... For 5 years... It was not until 3 years that I left San Diego... That I finally noticed it.

I find it amazing-ly amusing... Cats, eating Sushi... Cute Cute Cute Cute Cute.

Have you ever seen anything that's interesting, fun, or weird in a Japanese Restaurant?

*********
As many of you guys have heard, that New York City (especially the financial district) are in condition ORANGE. There are police men all over the place... The Building that I work at, is surrounded by police cars. There's definately a tention here and there. But life goes on... And my BOSS had returned from his vacation... So, things have been very busy... Please forgive me for being a "slacker" in posting new entries. But I promise, there will be new entries this week... If not, I'll post my nude pictures.
*********