Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Baby Step 1

Well, the post for Tuesday is supposed to be a fun one. At least, not as 'down' compare to what I wrote about Jacob. But this babe needs some inspiration, so, Mama's got to give it to him.

I was supposed to write about this back in January of this year. But for some reason, I couldn't finish it. (Yep. I started it) It wasn't the right time.

Now, sitting in front of my new computer at work, I regret that I never saved that word document in the share drive... I'll have to start all over again.

Here, I unfold the event that really changed my relationship with my sister - and me.

It all started 6 years ago, the week before the Female Love Bird moved to New York...


Being bothered by the recent broke up with his ex; Wayne had a lot on his mind. He returned home from school, to spend the weekend with his sister, before she moves to New York.

The night that Wayne arrived home, he flipped though his drawer, and dug out a letter that Ex #1 wrote him few years back.

"Stupid Wayne. Never learned." He reminded himself.

Wayne shoveled the letter into a story book (given by EX#1 as well) and placed it on his desk. Then he walked out of his room to greet his mother down stairs.

The afternoon in the following day, Wayne was eating Japanese Ramen with his sister at a local restaurant. Wayne sensed that his sister seemed bothered.

Sister: "Wayne, is there something you want to tell me?"

Wayne: "What?"

Sister: "Well..."

Then she said, word by word, lines from the letter sent from Wayne's Ex.

Frozen. Shocked. And terrified. Wayne didn't know what to do. He didn't know how to react in a situation like that. He wasn't prepared. Totally unprepared.

Wayne looked down on his bowl.

Sister: ".... Just Be careful."

The two of them ate silently. No more exchange of words. It was definitely an awkward moment for Wayne.

On the drive back home.

Heart beating fast, Wayne summoned all his courage and said...

"I think I'm gay." (Yeah, I used the word "Think" - what was I thinking)

"What are you talking about?" The sister said, voice shaken.

"I think I'm gay."

The sister parked the car to the side of the street.

"I want you think first before you say it again. Are you sure?" The sister panics.

"Homosexual. Gay. I like men." Words flew out of Wayne's mouth as he tried to calm himself down.

"This is too scary. This is too scary!" The sister said in Mandarin.

"Do you know that this cannot happen to you?! This shouldn't be happening!" She said.

"You cannot be gay. Do you hear me? You canNOT be gay!" Her voice trembled.

"Did you hear what I said? You will NOT be gay." She cried.

Tears burst out of Wayne's eyes, and he sobbed uncontrollably.

"I... I cannot help myself..." Wayne mumbled, as tears rolled down his cheek and into his open lips.

"This is too scary... I cannot believe this is happening to you."

Her hands on the wheel, she turned to look at Wayne.

"So, you think Steve is attraction? You think he's good looking?!"

"No... Of course not. He's ugly." Wayne said.

"Are you afraid of Girls?"

"Do you hate girls?"

"Do you get a hard-on when you see guys?!"

".........Y....Yes...." Embarrassed, and scared. Wayne replied in a near-whispering tone.

For the next 30 minutes, the car was filled with sobbing sound from a gay Asian man, and words from a woman who tried to convinced herself what just happened, wasn't real.

For the 5 minutes after that, the tears have stopped. But hearts continue to pound.

The sister started the car.

"We have to tell Dad."

"What?" Wayne got scared.

"He needs to know."


"Dad needs to know."

After the two got home. The sister quickly got on the speaker phone, and called their Dad, who was traveling in Asia at the time.


"Wayne has something tell you." The sister said firmly.

Over the phone, Wayne repeated his "I think I'm gay." phrase several times.

"I've known since I was 12... I have been repressing myself for all these years..."

Silence remained on the other side of the phone until Wayne started to cry again.

"It is okay. It is okay. I totally understand." Dad said calmly.

"But... He can't be like this!" said the sister.

"If this is who he is... That's how he is going to be."

"We have to change him..." The sister started to tremble again.

As if Wayne just had 8oz of water, the tears started to flood his face.

"Of course I'm hurt to hear that you are gay. But no matter what, I'll love you as always. We will love you no matter what." Dad said slowly.

"So now, you no longer have to keep it to yourself. It's not a secret anymore. We can share the burden that you have."

Dad's words lifted the rocks what were on Wayne's shoulder. The tensions were gone, and Wayne felt relaxed. He felt accepted.

"Should... Should I tell mom?" Wayne asked.

"No... Not yet. She won't be able to handle it."

"What about kids? Wayne needs to marry...." The sister questioned.

"We'll talk about it later." Dad said.

Had to run to a meeting, Dad had to conclude our conversation.

Like a staged performance, as soon as the phone conversation was over, a new scene picked up.

Wayne and his sister acted as nothing happened. They resume their daily work routine.

Like nothing, nothing ever happened...

The next day, the sister took a day off work.

The following day, Wayne received an email from his sister, sent from work.

"Wayne. No matter what, we will love you and support you."

That was one of the heart-warming experience Wayne ever felt about his sister.

It was after two weeks, that the Dad had returned from the business trip that the 'gay' subject was brought up again.

The three of them, Dad, sister and Wayne were walking the dog at night.

9:15PM to be exact.

Sister remained quiet. But something told me she had many long discussions with Dad.

Dad: "Wayne, I believe that homosexuality is genetic. And no one in our family is gay."

Wayne: ".............."

Dad: "Your Uncle G, he's not gay. Don't listen to what other said. He loves women."

Dad giggled.

Wayne remained quiet. His heart beat increased. He knew that something wasn't right.

Dad: "What you are going though right now, is just a phase. You are confused."

"You just have to go out more, meet more girls."

"And one day, you will get married and have children. Lots of children."

"I've always wanted a grandson, You know. I even have his name prepared."

"When you are confused again, we can talk again. We'll help you and guide you to the right path."

Hurt, felt unjust, and betrayed. Wayne speed up and walked in front of the two.

Staying calm. He said coldly, "Nothing. I got nothing more to discuss with you."

And that was the beginning of the "Don't Ask Don't Tell" game.


Ever since I was young, I've always known that there's something different about myself. Aside from the being the infamous "Sissy Boy" that everyone called during Elementary School, I've always get along with girls. As if, I'm part of them.

At the age of 12, I didn't came to the realization of my "difference" until I learned the word "Homosexual" from the Channel 7 News, when they did a report on the Halloween Parade in West Hollywood.

Homosexual. So that was the word.

I have read it on papers and magazine.

That was what I am.

The following day, I remember asking my mom, "What if I'm a homosexual?"

She responded, "Then I'll go kill myself."

Ever since that, I've never brought up that topic with her again. And that was probably the reason I isolated myself from others during my school year.

Not that I was born as an anti-social person. I avoided interaction with others, so they won't suspect my homosexuality. Depressed, maybe. Oppressed was more of the word to describe how I grew up. Constantly fighting against my own feeling and thoughts of being a traditional Chinese man.

It was not until I moved away home to College, gained a little bit of independence, and interact with the school’s LGBT program... And with all the drama that I had in the past... I've finally feel comfortable in my own skin. I've gained the confidence that I'd never felt before. Some describe this 'confidence' as being "b*tchy" - But I classified it as obtaining the status of a "Princess."

And believe me; no one will take my crown away from me. Not even my Mom.

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