I was going to post this entry on Feb. 14th - The big V-Day. But, after looking though so many 'Happy' entries on other people's blog... I'd thought not to spoiled the spirit. I posted what I wrote for Friday instead.
Several years ago, after the break up with the Vampire (Ex-Bf#1) - I was probably in the sh*ttest mood ever. Aside from becoming bitter than ever, I've also struggled with my school work. Since the bastard dumped the week before my midterms, I had the hardest time studying. Basically, I scored the lowest GPA in my life that quarter.
During that time, I didn't have any close friends. Friends whom I can share my personal problems with... (I was friends with Danni and Duckie - but we weren't close at the time)
There was, however, a guy that I have been chatting with online for months... (Let's call him Sweetheart).
Indeed, Mr. Sweetheart have been very nice to me (online) - gave me all the support and listen (well, read) to my problems... It was one night, that we made plans to meet in person on a Thursday night.
And we did. We met each other in a coffee shop in Hillcrest (The gay block in San Diego) and we chatted the night away. (I was the one doing the most talking) On our way out, he stopped by the cashier counter and picked up a 2 dollar (I'm very sensitive when it comes to money) Candy Rose... and gave it to me.
"Two BUCKS for this piece of candy?! You kidding me." I said.
"It's for you." And he placed the candy rose in my hand.
I paused a little. I wondered, since when this coffee shop started selling candies?
Then it came to me.... That Thursday was Valentine's Day. I completely forgot about it. (Blame it on the Vampire)
That was the moment, where I was deeply touched by him.
No one, was ever that nice to me.
Within the next couple weeks... We hanged out more... The gradually, one night, when we were both sitting in front of the TV... He wrapped his arms around me and held me close. Then He popped the question.
"Wayne, will you be my boyfriend?"
I nodded my head and said..."You're already my boyfriend."
"I love you."
"I love you too..."
We held hands... And cuddled for the rest of the night.
(Ahem. No. We didn't get NAKED. In case your DIRTY mind already started to wonder)
Within the next two months, he'd invited me to his house, where I met his mom (yeah, I was so scared), he cooked me dinner, we watched movies... Went to the beach... All sorts of dating stuff. I've never met anyone as sweet as him.
Mr. Sweetheart, really, indeed, is probably the nicest person that I've ever dated.
He even took me to my very first Gay Pride (1997?) in Los Angels, we went to Disneyland... Spent a lovely weekend in a beautiful resort in Downtown San Diego...
It was during the trip to Disneyland, I discovered something that scared me.
It wasn't because the fact that Mr. Sweetheart smokes... (I have a thing with smokers... I almost scratched his eyes out for smoking near me...)
I was scared of myself.
We never had any major arguments when we were dating.... But for some reason, I was really in an upset mood when we were in Disneyland.
I gave Sweetheart sh*t loads of attitudes... He didn't do anything mean to me... Nothing at all.
He even bought me a stuffed Kitty ($33 dollars value) at the Disney Store - which, I threw it on the ground and forced him to return it.
On our way back, I didn't speak any word. We drove silent back to San Diego.... Just before he dropped me off at my dorm building, he planted a kiss on my cheek... Then drove away.
I didn't speak a word.
I watched his car disappear in distance... Then I walked back into my room. I had the hardest time falling asleep... The entire time, I asked myself... "Wayne, what have you done? What have you done?!"
The fact was... I was never attracted to him. Physically.
He was there, when I was left alone and felt vulnerable emotionally.
He was there to keep me company and gave me comfort.
He gave me love.
I've said "I Love You" numerous times... But what exactly is love? If I really love him, then why wouldn't I be missing him? How come I'd never think about him when he's gone?
My body trembled and I had the urge of smashing my head against the wall.
I have done something horrible... Something that I couldn't explain...
But I knew... I have toyed with his emotion... Someone who cared about me deeply and gave me 100% of his heart.
But how can I not love him? Didn't people said that Inner Beauty is far more important than Physical beauty? How come I couldn't do it? The more I look at him, the more I want to push myself away from him.
I have used him, to recover the wounds made by the Vampire...
Mr. Sweetheart... Or should I call him... Mr. Rebound.
I avoided him since the trip... I didn't log online... I didn't pick up the phone... Whenever I emailed me and asked me when we can go out again... I'd would reply that school is very busy and I wanted to concentrate on passing my class.
Then Summer came.... I moved out of my dorm and back to my parents' house. And during that time, I completely forgot about Mr. Sweetheart's existence.
In late July... Or...August, I couldn't remember... He called my home.
"Wayne, where have you been? I haven't heard from you for the longest time."
I remained silent.
"How come you don't call anymore?"
"Do you want me to drive up you and take you out?"
I remained silent.
"Wayne, what's wrong? Are you okay?"
Then I opened my mouth.
"Mr. Sweetheart, I can't go on with you anymore."
He remained silent.
"The feeling I had for you started to fade during the 2nd month of our relationship. I realized that I'm not attracted to you physically... At all... But you are so nice to me.... You are very nice... I didn't want to hurt you... But I couldn't let this go on. I don't want to pretend that I love you, because it won't be fair to you."
He didn't say a word, but I could hear his breath over the phone.
I continued: "I've took you for granted. I used you, sweetheart, I used you. You are... You are my rebound from Vampire. I think we should break up. No. Not I 'think' - I'm breaking up with you."
His breath became heavier on the other side of the phone.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
"Tell me, are you okay?"
"I'm sorry I have to do this. But I believe this is right thing to do."
"Okay, I've got to go. Bye."
Then I hung up the phone.
At that moment, I felt very relieved. My days was brighter than ever... No Stress... No Weights... No Nothing.
I felt, FREE.
I was, in deed, the Heartbreaker. Even though it has been 5+ years since it happened, but what I did to him forever remained the biggest guilt in my life.
The story continues... In the next Ex-Bf series, "The Slut" - Which took place 6 months after I broke up with Mr. Rebound.
***Special Thanks to Bruce for helping me with the spelling