Importance Notice: This entry contains explicit language use, graphical adult description, and very personal contains. If you are under the age of 18, or do not want to pollute your innocent mind, please skip this blog entry.
Whenever I go back home, there are certain routines that I just have to go though. Other than smooching my dog all over and taking a hot steamy bath in my beloved bath tub, I have to shop for beauty products. (I’m so cheap. I cannot afford the over-the-counter stuff, so, I usually buy strange less-common known brands)
Continuing to be a vain beauty queen that I yam, I went to the local drug store to check out the hair mask that will help to restore my hair and my scalp. (It’s all about the hair! Even though I got not much left on my head)
Browsing though the store, I didn’t see any new product that caught my eyes, I decided to find stuff that I used before.
Since I have used Montagne Jeunesse Moisture Hair Mask before, and was quite pleased with the result, I searched around to try other types of hair treatment.
So, I got myself 1 bag for Frizz Hair, 2 Hair Moisturizers, and 1 that adds volume to the hair.
While looking for other Montagne Jeunesse products, I came across something that made my whole body jump.
It was an indescribable feeling. Like I just found a pot of gold after a 100 miles run chasing after a leprechaun. Amazing.
Ever since I came back home for the holidays, I have been eating non-stop with my family. Big Breakfast prepared by Dad, buffet for lunch, and buffet for dinner. I gained 3 lbs. after the first 3 days, then 2 more on the 5th day.
My waist sized jumped 2.5 inches, which made it difficult for me to slip into the pants that I brought back to wear. I didn’t even have to use my belt to keep the pants on my body. In fact, my belt didn’t even have the holes that allows it to wrap perfectly around my waist.
I gained weight. I seriously did.
That is why when I saw the Montagne Jeunesse Anti-Cellulite Body Mask, the edge of my lips couldn’t stop curling up.
"YES! OH YES!" I made my orgasmic (organic) scream in my head, then proceed to grab a bag of this miracle body mask.
Since I have already took a shower that morning, I’ve decided to wait until the next day to try this product.
So, it finally came. In the early morning, I took out the Body Mask out of my drawer. (I don’t want any of my family member to see me with it. I mean, they might think I’m gay. Uh, yeah. If you are new to my blog, I’m actually still living in a very beautiful crystal palace called Wayne’s Crystal Closet. )
Based on the instruction, and the cover picture, I realized that the only way for me to apply to the problem areas, I have to be totally naked.
But I can’t walk around without any clothes. Mainly, because the interior of my house is actually colder than outside. (No heater) And of course, I don’t want any one to see my naked body… With a layer of pink Body Mask around the tummy area.
To prevent myself from freezing to death, and to make sure no one will see me naked, I decided to do my home-spa treatment in the restroom.
First, I filled the bath tub 1/3 up. So, when I get on all fours (You know, both hands and knees down on the bottom of the bath tub), the water is enough to cover my legs. The heat from the water will keep part of my body warm.
Slightly, I dipped my head into the water, just enough to damp my hair. Then I applied my Frizz Miracle hair mask on my head. After that, I applied the Body Mask on my tummy area. (And, uh, yeah. On my butt too.)
After that, I resumed the position of a dog, stick my head out to read the magazine, and start to wait for the timer to ring.
15 minutes after I applied my miracle cream, I heard mom calling me.
"Wayne."
"Yeah?"
"We’re going to lunch soon."
"Oh. Give me 10 more minutes!" I shout.
Couldn’t wait longer for the treatment to totally penetrate my skin, I start to splash some warm water on my tummy. (The mask were dried, so, I have to get it wet before I can rinse it off.)
After a couple of splashes, I felt a tingle sensation around my crotch area.
Sensitive Skin? I thought.
I looked down, and discover a lot of the mud juice has flow down to the area where my eggies are kept.
In my head, these words from the instruction on the Body Mask package flashed in front of my eyes: there will be a feeling of rise in temperature after the mud has been washed off.
Could this be it? But I didn’t cover my balls with the mask.
Then the tangling sensation start to bother me. The feeling became so strong, that it felt like I had dipped my balls in a beaker filled with acid.
"Owe…" I moaned, while thinking about the words: Skin Irritation.
I turned on the water and start to rinse my entire body with water.
As soon as warm water got in contact with my eggie pouch, the pain increased. Biting down on my teeth, I turn off the hot water, and full blast my body with cold water.
"OWE!" I moaned. The pain got worst. Doesn’t matter what temperature I use, my balls were hurting like H*LL.
Tears burst out of my eyes as I rubbed my body clean.
Crying and moaning at the same time, I carefully dried my body with the towel. Then after few minutes, my tummy area (and butt) started to burn.
Rinse in temperature? The package lied. It was more like a burning.
But the burning wasn’t as bad as my balls. (Well, some areas are more sensitive than other)
"Wayne, are you ready?" My mom’s voice came though the door.
"Y….Yea..Yeah…. I’m drying … Up now…" My voice trembled.
"Okay. We will wait for you outside."
Holding the towel in my fists, I cried.
The pain was too much.
Since I couldn’t put the underwear on (anything in contact will worsen the pain), there is no way I can get out of the restroom. I opened the mirror cabinet, took out my after shave balm (All natural, no alcohol) and applied it over my burning skin.
"F**K IT!" I yelled in my head. With my eyes closed, I forced the underwear on and slipped into my jeans.
I quickly toweled dry my hair and put on my long sleeve Old Navy shirt.
The burning sensation tackles my balls with every steps I took down the stair. Like a Warrior Princess, I fought the physical suffering and made it out side of the house. (Ayiyiyiyiyiyi!)
With a 'nothing ever happened' smile on my face, I greeted everyone.
"Okay, lets go."
"Wayne, get on the car. You can sit in the middle." Said Dad.
As soon as I squeezed myself in between my parents (my sister and her BF were at the front), I felt like I don’t own my butt anymore. I couldn’t feeling anything. Except for my balls, they were still be consumed by virtual ants.
Just before we arrived at the buffet restaurant, the (fat) burning effect had wore off.
No more Acid. No more Fire.
Like a Phoenix reborn from the burning flame, I felt alive again.
I can finally, sit down on a chair without twitching my body from side to side, lifting my 'pouch' up from the surface of the chair.
Now days, I can finally relate to the famous phrase, 'My Balls are on fire!'
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