Tuesday, January 27, 2004

Emotional Cycle: What I told my sister last weekend. (The Break Though)

We have planned to move to another apartment a while back. Basic, the current living situation is just terrible. First of all, my sister and I share a single studio apartment. Sharing a small living space has been tough, on my side. (Sister didn't seem to mind. After all, the studio was her place before I moved to NY) Since I'm still living behind my closet door, it has became a great pressure for, constantly fear of being caught talking to my GAY friends online, reading GAY oriented blogs, or even, chatting with PAW.

I have to live my life under the shadow. Always afraid that she will find out about me...

Life become much harder, and dramatic, when the male love bird showed up in our lives.

The day before I turned 26, I told my sister after we checked out an apartment in Queens, that I want to move out.

I saw it in her expression, that she was shocked and hurt.

The original plan was that instead of continuing to rent our current tiny studio apartment, we are going to purchase an apartment, one that will help us to reduce our tax, and also, it would be a good investment.

We have been looking for an apartment with two bed rooms. One room for her and one for myself. There will be at least a door between our living space.

After checking that 2 bed rooms apartment, I have a feeling of bitterness in my chest.

She asked... How I thought of the apartment.

I replied that I didn't like it. Then after few seconds, I said that I didn't like it not because of its structure and environment, but the fact I will have to live with her.

Having to live so close to my sister (and we work together as well) - I seriously has lost my life. A life that I know I would enjoy. A life that I can do whatever I want without having to worry about a set of eyes watching me.

I even had the urge of coming out to her, and let her know how much I would like to invite my gay friends to have dinner. How much that I no longer need to wait until she's out on a date, to see Paw. I don't want to be all secretive to do and go to places that I want. Having been hiding all these life of mine for yeas, I don't want it to continue until the day that I die. This is my life, and I should be able to freely choose how I want to live.

Another problem is the male love bird. He is probably the biggest a$$ hole in the entire world. Being immature and self-centered, I seriously don't think that bastard is good for my sister. Even if they are not dating, I can never be friends with him... He and I just don't click. But again, I have been butting myself out of the birds' relationship. After all, it is her life, not mine.

There are times where my sister and I went out to buy something and ended up hanging with HIM. I've been put in numerous situation of being a third wheel without even slightest hint.

Did she even realized that I didn't enjoy "HANGING OUT" with them? Did she even realized that HIS voice irritates me?

I have hinted her numerous of times... That once a week with them is enough. I told her how uncomfortable I feel when they are around. But she didn't seem to get it. She continued to set up arrangements with him without even asking me... I became a total shadow. I follow them around. To restaurants, movies, and clubs... Places that are very fun and interesting... I know that she wanted me to show me around... But the problem is... I can never enjoy any of them when He is around.

I have seen how badly the male love bird have been treating my sister, I seriously had the hardest time holding my anger. There are times I just want to tell him to F**K OFF... But I can't. She's my sister's boyfriend, and I don't want to do anything to upset him, or even, cause any drama between the two.

The death of Hong Kong Super-Mega Star Anita Mui really got me thinking about my life. She had all the glories and fame because of her talent. Yet she never had the chance to really settle down and enjoy her life. At age 40, she left the world without fulfilling her most desirable desire: Marry a man who loves her and have children. Having been a fan since birth, her death was a total shocker for me. She reminded me how short life really is.

The biggest debate that I have over myself, is weather or not I should live my life for myself, or for those who I cared. It has always been a difficult choice. How to live a life, is a tough puzzle itself.

I went to school, studied the major based on my parents' expectation. My career, has been based on supporting the family, loosen the financial burden.

I've asked myself, what if I'm a very selfish person. I have enough to support myself. I can easily moved out to some place away from family and live my life without any attachment. I can be so cold blooded and don't give a damn about the needs of my family.

The problem is, I can't be that type of person.

I made a choice before, after an incident took place back in College, that almost ended my life... uh...Well, I will talk about it in the 3rd Entry of the Emotion Cycle series.

With this choice I made, I have moved on and continue to live a double life.

Anyway, I had the hardest time sleeping, or even enjoy the Birthday party that my sister thew... I felt guilty, for hurting her earlier in the day. We've both acted nothing happened.

But deep inside, I felt like crap.

After my parents called me up and told me how they support my choice, but because of the financial burden, they asked me to continue to live with her until things settled down. (I already knew that things will never settle down.)

I had no choice.

The next day, after we got off work, I told my sister to forget what I said. I will continue to live with her in the new apartment... (We actally planned that one of us stayed in the new apartment, and one of us stay in the old apartment.) She said that if we try hard, we can support two apartments... But I knew right there... We couldn't.

When the train came to a stop. I pat on my sister on the shoulder and said.

"No need for two apartments. You are working 2 jobs already. Let's not make things more difficult."

And that was it. We got the new apartment... And will be looking forward to move in near the end of Feb. or Mid March.

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