Wednesday, December 06, 2006

How do you define friendship?

If I don't call or email you for weeks, or sometimes, months - would that make me a bad friend? Or value you as friend?

if I don't call or email you for weeks, or even, months - would that mean I don't care about you? Or I'm not seeing you as a best friend?

If I call you every day, email you every night - Does that make you that I care about you and value our friendship? Or I just have a lot of free time in my hand?

Some of you might have read my OLD entires, where I mentioned my two bestest friends in California. Danni and Duckie. We met in College. (oh. Gee. We've known each other for 9 years) We've developed pretty strong bonds through out the College years. We've went to clubbing during the weekends, we traveled up to San Francisco a couple of times, Palm Spring, Las Vegas... The Pride Parade and restaurants. Things were definately wonderful for us. We have learned a whole about from each other as well. Duckie was the mature and more experienced one. Danni has always been the smart and sensistive one. And I was the spoiled b*tchy one. I guessed we have all aquired the good and the bad qualities from each other. Youth, has it's advantage. We seemed to have limit-less bondle of energies. We were living the life of our prime.

During my Junior year, Danni transfered to another College in Nothern Orange County. While Duckie and I stayed in San Diego. But us three still manage to keep in touch and hang out from time to time. Of course there are new friends here and there, but I felt Danni and Duckie are my two closest friends.

If you asked me which of the two I'd considered to be the bestest among the best - it's really different. I think Danni and I connection very well mentally and emotionally, probably because our Birthday's only a week apart. Duckie has always been fun to hang out with. He's out going, laid back, and I see him as an older brother. So, it's really hard to dedecide who I like the best. Because I enjoy both of their companies. We've all gone through so much... From crushes, relationships to heartbreaks. From good grades, bad grades to extra credits. We've been through it all. Heck, Danni even got me a job at catering.

We didn't get to hang out all together as often after Danni moved. Duckie and I hang out very often, since both of us lives in San Diego. Then there will be time where Danni hangs out with Duckie at times, and then sometimes I hang out with him. Now to think of it, we rarely hang out as a 'pair' when Danni was still in San Diego.

After I graduted from College, I moved back home with my parents. (Southern OC) The three of us were exactly 2 hours driving away from each other. With different school and work schedule, the chance for all three of us to hang out became three - 5 times a year. Most of times, it was one pair to another pair.

The strange thing is, we started to talk about one another behind the other's back. Danni and I would sometime talk about Duckie. Duckie and I would talk about Danni. And I'm sure Danni and Duckie talked about me when they were hanging out.
But most of the times, it was random gossipe. Sometimes, I would complained to Danni how come Duckie was so laid-back, and wasn't taking his school work seriously. And sometimes Danni would mentioned how he felt Duckie treats him differently from me.

And that's how the first problem started.

Danni has expressed that he felt I wasn't been able to keep in touch on a regular basis.
I don't know, I always felt that when I need to contact a friend, it is because I have something important to say, or invitation to a ceratin event. Otherwise, the friend is still breathing and living nice and sound. I was never a chatter over the phone. I rarely call up friends just to gossip about random things or just to say Hi. To me, when I call, it's for a specific purpose. And it's usually involves last minute plan changes, emergency, party invitation or one of those "Oh My Gawd you won't believe this!"
I explained that for some reason, I don't usually make the first move, or calls. I'm usually the one who responds to things. But if he felt neglated, I wanted to change.

But as you know, sometimes, it's hard to change a habbit, or rather, part of a personality.

The relationship between Duckie and Danni have gotten worst after I moved to New York. (4 years ago) And me too. I have gotten very long emails from Danni regarding how I have not been putting efforts in our friendship. How I don't call as much. (Heck, even when we were students, I don't call him. I see him in Class every week!) How much I didn't care about his life and stuff. Whenever I went back home during Christmas, I'd find a day to travel and meet with Danni. For the last two years, whenever we were together, I spent majority of the time talking and explaining about how busy that my life has become (I mean, we are all busy) - that if I didn't call, it doesn't mean I don't care. Joggling between two jobs can be quite stressful. And I felt I never gotten enough sleep. By all means, I'm not using them as excuses, but it is life! After that drama came to a conclusion, then I had to reconnect and conslut him about Duckie. Trying everything I could so Danni would hate Duckie less. I mean, all three of us were busy with our professional lives, but that doesn't mean who stopped caring for each other. If we didn't care about each other, we wouldn't have talk about eachother behind eachother's back.

Couple days ago, I sent emails to Duckie and Danni telling him about my trip back to LA for Christmas. Duckie was cool about it, asked what day I'll be free (from Parents) so we can go clubbing in LA. I called him up and asked about Danni. He said he has not heard from Danni for a very long time - He said that we have all moved on in our lives and have different kinds of burden and stress. It's already rare that we are able to hang out. Even if it's once or twice a year thing. At least we are still in each other's lives. He said that Danni was probably mad at him and or busy with work.

This morning I got a familiar long email from Danni. One of those once a year email - stating his frustation on he felt abandoned by me, how I didn't value our friendship. He wrote that he responded, because he still care. But in his emails, it was all about how cold I was in the previous year, and how the year before that I seemed more excited when we were hanging out.

I hit the [Reply] button and started to rely to this email. I explained that when I don't call, that doesn't mean I don't care. It's true that I have made fabulous friends here in New York, but that doesn't mean I would forget about the ones back in the West Coast.

I explained about how tired I was last year, because my family and I went drove straight to Vegas after my planed arrived in LA. I was tired and sick. But I didn't stress that when we were hanging out, cause I didn't want to ruin the reunion. But I have also asked him why he was comparing my 'performance' to the previous year? I also asked that if he was uncomfortable with something, why didn't he confront me at the moment, instead of waiting until after a year to complain about it? And why he constantly question about my friendship with him? I never questioned or have any doubts about him with me.

I kept on replying until I read the part where Danni said that he and his BF both got job offers in New York. They actually came to New York with luggages and stayed about a week. But couldn't find a place in time, so they moved back to CA. Danni even wrote "Yes and I didn't contact you. I didn't feel that whether I was there or here would make a difference to you wanting to hang out with me. You can get mad all you want. I'm in 'California.' What can you do???"

I couldn't believe he just wrote that. He totally broke my faith and value in him as a friend. If he notified me before he came to New York, I could have helped him find and secure a place before his trip, so he and his BF could start the job in NY. I could have introduce them to my friends here, so they won't feel like total outsiders. Especially the last sarcastic remark. It was hurtful.

I didn't get mad. I was just very hurt. And very sadden on what have become of us. In the past, I had apologized to him and felt guilty it was my fault for lack of contact many times. I seem to have done it every year. Every time I get a long email from him about how I have not been a good friend - I had to reply and 'apologize' for my actions. But this time, I don't see the need anymore. No matter how much I try, I will never live up to his expecation of a 'perfect friend.' I don't think friendship is maintained by doing certain actions to please the other. Friendship should be build on mutual understand and able to provide support to each other when needed. I'm not a psychic, I don't know when I need to call Danni when he feels down. I wrote how I'm tired of explaining my action and how I have to constantly being analyize by him about my 'friendship meter.' I stressed that I never had any doubts or insecurities about our friendship. If I'm only bringing sorrow for being part of his life, then perhapd it's better that we all get on with our seperate lives.

I guess I stilll didn't want to let go of this friendship, that's why I saved my responds in the draft box. I'm giving myself more time to think it over before I cut the briedge.

Sorry, I was planning to finally write about something fun, and even upload a fun pic that was taken in Chinatown. But this totally broke my heart.


Jimzy said...

Awwwww. As we get older, we gain more chapters in our lives, especially in these modern times. More chapters means more personal interactions...more relationships of varying degrees. It's quite understandable for people to grow apart. Apparently it's been bothering him for a long time now, how your (pl) relationships with each other seemed to fade with time. That's quite natural. Some people can't accept change and wish for "the good ole days" which just isn't reality.
Some people should be happy with what they once had, whether or not they can rekindle/revisit those bonds of yesteryear. Sometimes, memories are all that we'll have left when we're old and gray....if we can keep them from fading too. *hugs*

Wayne said...

Oh, we're on good terms now.