Where Have You Been?

Rather, where have I been?

California.

Okay, I know. Don't kill me. But I went to California not for pleasure, but rather, a family thingy.

My Grandma passed away last weekend, and it was a last minute thing that I booked an expensive last minute flight to San Francisco.

Alright. I confess. It took me a day to decided to fly back.

To be honest - My Grandma (from my Dad's side) was never really close to me. (And the Sis) There were dramas involved my Dad's childhood and how everything ended up to be.

Let's just say that my Grandma never really did her part as a mother in my Dad's childhood.

But my Dad loved her and treated with respect and more like a son can ever done. (That's why my Dad is *the* most loving person that I've ever known in my entire life)

The trip was long, and we were all very tired. Meeting other relatives were uneasy. Since we were not suppose to SMILE to others. Cousins that I have not seen for 5+ years nodded at me as if I was just foreign visitor. (Where's the Love?)

The day before the service, we went to see Grandma's body in the coffin. All my Dad's brothers and sister and their kids got teary eyes. My Dad was the only person in our family whose eyes got moist.

I remember my Mom telling my sister and I in the car, how much that she want to approach Grandma and hold her hand, and actually cry. But she said for some reason, she couldn't do it.

The Sis also said that she found it hard "CRY" like others. She thought that she shouldn't have to force herself to act a certain way, just to fit within the 'situation.'

As for me - I tried to cry. I was working on the technique that I read from my Acting book... Calling a past memory that I can subsitute with this one.
I called up on the memory when I first heard about my other Grandma (Mom's side)'s passing over the phone.
Tears rolled around my eyes instantly.
All of the sudden, I felt guilty. How could I be thinking about the *other* while I'm attending *this* Grandma's service?

I was not being respectful to her. And had been a bad bad bad 1st Grandson. (My Dad is the oldest Son in his family)

On the day of the service, more relatives that I have ever seen or evern known came to the Cemeterey.

We took photos, and walked the coffin up to the service. I sat though the prayers with my family. The entire time, my Grandma lied inside of the coffin. She looked as if she was still breathing. Like she was taking her usual afternoon nap.

Then as each family took term to bid final farewell to my Grandma...

My family went up first. Dad, Mom, Sis and I went up. Then the more I looked at my grandma, the more sour my felt felt. My breath felt short, and my heart beats heavily. Then tears started to roll down my cheeksd.

I cried.

I wiped the tears away with my hands.

Then I wiped again.

And again.

It didn't stop until we started to thank the visitors for coming to the funeral service.

I'm not sure if I cried because I actually loved my Grandma, or just sad from knowing *someone* has passed away.