Thursday, February 19, 2004

I raised my voice

This entry is inspired by Robert's entry. About how two different point of views can get in each other's way.

On Monday, after he came back from his trip, Paw and I went out to have coffee.

Since Paw isn't much of a good conversationalist, I'm usually the one who breaks the silence.

So, we sat facing each other, at the coffee table.

We talk about some minor stuff... Then like the little whiney b*tch that I am, I start to talk about work. I talked about the stress, incase in work load, how our unit is in danger, and alternative career path.

After I mentioned how stressful and busy I have become, after I was assigned to work on a very difficult project, on top of my current projects.

Then he said:

"If they give you so much sh*t at work, you don't have to take all of them. You should have tell your manger that you only have two hands, and you can only do so much."

"Well, part of the job description is Multi-Task. I have to be able to working multiple projects at the same time."

"It is really your fault. You have the choice to tell your manager NO."

"Paw, I know. My manager isn't the bad guy. It is the big boss. She assigned him the work... Then he assigned it to me..."

"You need to start thinking for yourself... You can't please every body at once."

"But I have burdens that prevented me to think only for myself..."

Out of no where, I sudden slammed my right fist into my left palm. I raised my voice. "I understand what you are saying. But like I have said before, things are not as simple like that. I've got baggage. I have to support my family. The main reason that I have been putting up with so many things at work, is because I have to do. The big woman boss assigned my manager these works. My NY manager is already stuck with zillions of things to do... I have to do anything to help him, and you know why? If it is not for him, I would never be hired by this corporation. I came into the company with ZERO skills. Nothing. If he ended up getting fired, I'd be loosing my job too! He has been covering my ass since I started working there. And my sister too. He has been covering her as well!! My actions not only impacts me... You know? It impacts my NY manager and my sister as well!!! And I cannot allow anything like that to happen!!!"

I guess, everything really reflected on what I wrote about in the past... How that I have chosen to live a more realistic life, instead of chasing after my dream. Life, itself, is very complex. I guess, now days, I still have that 'regret' down in my heart, what constantly beg for my attention and digging out my desires. I still... Couldn't let it go.

I turned to Paw... and asked... "Didn't you say that you are not happy with your job too? I'm not familiar with your company, but in your position, you have more power and influence with your job than me. You have more control over the amount of works you have to do.... But I can't... I just can't!!"

Then, he reached over and grabbed my hand... (Oh, we were in the car, at this time)

"Hao-Lah... Don't think about it... Okay?"

He held my left hand firmly... while gently stroke my palm with his fingers.

I was totally expecting him to fire back at me... And we will get into this argument about something that isn't worthy arguing about.

But he didn't. He didn't argue. He didn't talk back.

I felt the warmth pass from his hand to mine...

I took a deep breath....

"I'm sorry... I lost control a bit... It has been... Ages since I acted like this..."

"Just let it go... And don't let it get to you." He said softly while I tried to calm down.

"Life, isn't easy. You know."

"I know."

"I'm sorry" I said as I wrapped my fingers around his hand.

He flipped his big hand over and took my entire hand into his palm.

I have asked myself before, how in the world that I'd be attracted to him THIS much?

Aside from his appearances... Chemically, I clicked with him.

We have been though a lot and experienced similar things in life... We had our rough times and drama that were simply unbearable. We may have different perspectives in life and how to approach things... But we relate to each other quite well. He has the tolerance for my bad qualities... And I have the tolerance for his...

The most important thing is... We respect each other.

It has been 8 months since we first met... And my feeling towards him hasn't change a bit.

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