Friday, June 27, 2003

Hole in the Closet Door

It's like, Oh my gawd, I mean, totally. I gotta tell you this. It was like, Oh my gawd, I had serious drama this morning. My heart was like, gawd. Beating so fast...
Anyway, as usual, when I come to work in the morning, if there are nothing important to do... I'd go though the list of blogs (see left) and check to see if there are new entries to read....
I was down to "Search for Love in Manhattan".... and was replying to one of the entries...
Then she showed up.
My sister showed up. Carrying a donut..."Wayne... this is for you"
Then she saw my computer screen... and points.... "Search for love in Manhattan....?"

Wayne: "Oh, I'm reading someone's blog"

At the same time, I was typing "Feathers, Glitters, and Care-bear stickers" in my reply... (and you know what? She doesn't know what a blog is - she probably think I'm browsing some on-line personal ad)

Her face had a slight 'discomfort' expression... But then she resume her usual pose.

Sister: "Anyway, this is from Teresa."

She handed me plate of donut.

Wayne: "Oh, thanks."

Then she walked away.

I felt very uncomfortable. I mean, *VERY* weird.
But not as scared when I first got caught by her when I was chatting online...

Anyway, what I want to say is, it is really tough to be in the closet, and having to live and work so close with a family member. Due to my current family and personal situation, I cannot break free from the chains that are wrapped around my closet door. (oh, Chains... Kinky...) I cannot escape from what I'm bounded to do (Hrm.. Bondage...). If I can, I would have move back to California already. If I can, I would have move out and have my own place already. If I can, I would have become a crack whore and work on the streets to earn extra cash...Uh.. Wait, maybe not. If I can, I think I will probably be happier... With my life.

Sometimes, it is not *I* choose how I want to live my life. Every choice that I make has many different effects on myself as well as people around me. I was never given many choices to choose from. Either one way or the other. I asked myself serveral times... am I living for myself or for others? I tend to have problem balancing that part of my life.

Every little incident like what happened today, would trigger me of thinking of my life in the closet (or I call it my 'See-Though Pink Crystal Palace') of mine. I don't know how things will change and how long this life style will last.

I can only tell myself... "Just live another day, and see what happens"

I guess I'm waiting for things to happen, instead of acting upon it.

Could it be fear?

Am I afraid to break my nails?


I think the Princess needs to get back to work.

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