Clarification

As of July 12, 2003 – I have been seeing a guy that I adore so much to the point that I can pee in my pants anytime. How we met? Well, Internet, of course.

When we first met, we were expecting just be friends. But who ever knew the chemistry between us had the right formula, and we clicked right away.

Aside from the physical attraction, I find his background pretty similar to mine. Mainly that he is also in the closet, and very understanding about my situation. There are not a lot of people that I can relate to, in terms of thinking process, culture and values in life.

I like him. I like him a lot. I really do.

Without wanting to go though the drama that I went though with my past relationships, I kept a thin wall between myself and him.

I’ve never consider us in a relationship. I call it “seeing.” I didn’t want to get attach too fast, since I’m a very easily attached person. Even when he first told me that he loves me, I told him that it has only been a couple months, and it is too early in the stage to say that.

What is love? I asked. Even I don’t know the answer to that. All I know, that it is a word, that should be used seriously.

Since everyone has a different definition for ‘love’ – some might take it more seriously than others. I have hurt someone dearly with the wrong usage of this word. I said “I Love You” without any thoughts about it. Without any confirmation of how I feel about this him. It shattered my ex-Bf #2’s heart into million pieces, and has left him a permanent scar in his memory. And I don’t want history to repeat itself.

To me, when the times comes, Love will come out of my lips naturally.

We have talked about lots of things. I have also let him acknowledge the fact, that most likely one day, I will return to California. Because that is where I call home. Him too, been constantly looking for a new job, that he is willing and ready to go any where the job takes him. Especially he has been looking into governmental jobs… Where most of the available jobs are outside of New York.
When we first met, I have specify that I’m ultimately looking for a long term relationship. Yet, my currently living situation really made this difficult. Just let him know ahead of time, that could happen in the future. Yet, things will probably change. I mean, future is unpredictable and filled with surprises, right?

What ever happens, let it happen. Just enjoy each other’s company, day by day, week by week.

Just 2 weeks ago, I was approached by a very good looking guy (Italian, I think – I’ve never asked) asking me out. I mean, this guy is tall, dark hair, dark eyes… Just around my height and… I mean, physically, he’s very attractive. Someone that I would considerate going out on a date with. But I take a look at Paw’s picture in my cell phone, and then told him that I’m already seeing someone very special. (Besides, I don’t date multiple people at the same time, that’s just not me.)

At that point, I said to myself…”That’s my man.” And it is at that time, the thin wall that I built is no longer there.

I guess I have become more attached than I thought I would be.

This morning, we chatted over Instant Messenger, over me trying to stay from my sister’s personal life in terms of the her drama with the male love bird.
Then I mention how I would expect my family to stay away from my personal life as well. Especially after I came out to them. They will probably do everything and anything to set me up with a girl.
Then he popped the question.

Paw: Would you consider marrying?

Wayne: No. Well, yeah, but with a man, not a woman.

Paw: Have you ever dated a woman?

Wayne: I find women beautiful and physically attractive. But I’m not sexually attracted to them.

Paw: You never went out with a woman?

Wayne: Why would I want to date a woman, when I know I have no interests?

Paw: But have you tried?

Wayne: Would you eat a dish that you have never tried before, and have absolute no interest in eating? Just like scanning though the menu in a restaurant, when certain dish that just don’t caught your attention, or don’t fit what you are looking for, then you will never order it, right?

Paw: Okay. I get your point. Sorry that I asked.

Wayne: No need to be sorry. I’m just giving you a piece of my mind.

Paw: Okay.

I pulse for a couple seconds. Then I typed….

Wayne: Would you consider marrying?

Paw: Yes. I told you I had gf before.

At that point, I felt like an acid arrow had strike though my chest and deeply into my heart. The sense of sourness merges from my chest and up to my nose. For a second, I thought that my heart had skipped a beat, because it started to beat faster and faster.

I took a couple deep breaths, and let out the sourness out of my body.

Wayne: Gfs, you mean. You had more than one.

Paw: Yeah.

And this is the cue that I need to end the conversation.

Wayne: Phone, I’ve gotta go. Ttyl!

Paw: Bye bye. Ttyl.

Then I closed my AIM. I wasn’t sure how I can continue to carry a text - conversation with him, without starting to ask him…

“What about me?”

“What about us?”

“What’s the purpose of us seeing each other, when you know you will marry a woman and have kids?”

At least, not today. Not now. Not online. I need sometime to think it over.

It’s funny. Just couple days ago, after so many things happened to my internet friends…. Then family… My sister and her boyfriend… I have been expecting something to happen to me.

Maybe this is it.

Or I'm thinking too much.

We've never talked about this being a long term relationship anyway, why am I feeling this way?