Jonathan, how are you?

I had many crushes through out the 25 years of my life. Well, they were more of a crush/lust kinda feeling.

Normally, when I find someone attractive on the street... I'd say to myself..."Wow, a hottie!"

Then after a couple of minutes.. I'd asked myself..."Uh, what did that guy look like?"

If, that's a crush, then I'd had 1,000,000,000+ crushes.

But, nope. I consider crush as something, or someone... that I remember. Even if it has been 3, 4, 5 or even more years since I last saw him. (Him, yes, I'm GAY, okay? If you haven't figure that out.)

I have read so many blogs this month... And to my surpass, most of them are very personal. Compare to their blog to mine, I want to dig a hole on the ground and bury my head in it.

I rarely share stories from my past - on a more personal level. (Well, at least, on the blog.) I believe the most and only entries that I wrote, where I totally got teary and stuff - is the one about my grandma.

Anyway, I have written enough INTROS. Now, I would like to share the story about one of my crushes from College. I mean, he's probably the biggest and most memorable crushes that I ever had.

He's name is Jonathan.

Jonathan is younger than me. A year or two. I'm not really sure. I met him in my 2nd year in college, where I switched my major from Computer Science to ICAM. (No, it's not chemistry) Basically, its a major for Multimedia Gurus.

The first class that we have to take, is PhotoShop. And believe me, after years of Zits-Be-Gone alterations I have done to my own photo, I went into the class destined to receive an A. My best friend, Danni, also took the class with me. (Danni, if you are reading this entry, you must remember Jonathan, right?)

I never really noticed Jonathan, I didn't even know he exists, until one day, the teaching assistant asked him to sit up in the front of the class. (He usually sit in the back, at some corner, where no one can see him listening to his walkman, while drawing some weird stuff on his notepad.) You must have figured, Jonathan is not the type of the student, who spent at least 85% of his brain cell in class. He only give the class 1% of the attention. Sometimes, he didn't even come to the class... Just what in the world do I see in this boy? He comes to the class only when he wants to, he dresses very sloppy, jeans and black shirt, sandals, listen to punk rock heavy metal music, got weird stickers all over his walk man, messy hair, and he probably smokes. I mean, was I really desperate or something?

Oh, let me give you a more clear description of this guy. He has dark Some-What Curly brown hair, dark BEAUTIFUL eyes (Yes, he's white), around 5'8" (Yes, shorter than me), and 32 - 33" waist...(Well maybe more, I wasn't sure. Danni said he is the "BIG" type.) *sigh* I wish I have a picture of him to show you how he looks. I know, you must be thinking..."Oh gawd, Wayne is into thugs." But, really, he's really good looking... At least, from my perspective. (Beauty is the in the eyes of the beholder.)

Jonathan! Baby! Gimme some THUG LUV!!

Ever since I started to notice his presence in the class. I have been secretly checking him out. During the class, during tutorials... During student Lap time... Always sit in front of the computer by himself... Doing whatever he's doing... With headphones on his head.

Gosh, he's really into music.

But the PhotoShop class was the only class I had with him. Because of his lack of attendance, he had to retake the class over.

During the next 3 years, I have seen Jonathan once in a while, here and there from distance. I really wanted to take a look at him, just a little longer, but was afraid people around me will saw me 'checking a guy out.'

Every single glance of Jonathan, made my heart skip a beat.

I like that guy. I really do.

I remember the day, I went to the school's Catering Services, where I used to work, to give my last farewell to the people that I worked with in the past two years. And of course, I went for the free lunch.

After a bunch of good-byes and hugs, I left the building.

Then the nightmare came.

My tummy was making weird noise... Followed by waves of pain...

"Crap. They poisoned me."

I got nervous and though that I can use the public restroom inside of the Visual Arts building.

I picked up speed, and started to walk.

On the way there, I saw Jonathan. Came out of the Visual Arts building.

He saw me.

I smiled and waved at him.

Then we walked toward each other.

Wayne: "Hi." (I put a smile on my face. Even though my tummy was killing me)

Jonathan: "Hi." (Oh gosh, Jonathan, so beautiful! So beautiful!)

Wayne: "I haven't seen you around lately. Are you still majoring in ICAM?" (And I felt my butt is about to burst)

Jonathan: "Yeah. I'm taking it slow. Skipped the last quarter." (I focused my eyes on his eyes... Didn't move an inch)

Wayne: "Oh, I see. No wonder. So, how have you been?" (Ah, my tummy, argh! I gotta held back!)

Jonathan: "Pretty good. And you?" (Damn, he has beautiful lips, I have never get to see him up so close!)

Wayne: "Oh, awesome. I'm graduating this Sunday... And going to move back home on Tuesday." (My butt got very sweaty. My butt cheeks were doing their best to keep the "opening" shut. Preventing the acid from bursting out)

Jonathan: "Congratulations." (And he smiled at me. I mean, he smiled at me!)

Wayne: "Thank you. I mean, I spent 5 years here already. I can finally get out of here." (The lower half of my body were trembling. Shaking. Non stop. I couldn't hold it any longer.)

Then where was a 3 seconds pause. We had our eyes focusing on each other.

Wayne: "Well...." (The cold sweats were rolling down the back of my head)

and I raised my right hand, about to do my usual hair flip... (I was trying to look casual and relaxed. You know, no one really knew how much pain and pressure I was enduring at that moment)

But my hand never made it to my hair.

When my right and was about 1/3 way to it's destination. I saw Jonathan also extended his hand... Wait, his arms. Both of them. Just a little. He's upper body also moved forward. As if, I was going to give him a hug, and he was going to hug me back.

Or maybe, he thought I was going to hug him.

But either way, I was drawn to him. My heart started to beat fast.

Then, for some reason, I raised my left hand. Did a "Praying" gesture.

Jonathan drew his arms back. His blinked a bit. And stepped back.

Wayne: "Well, good luck with rest of your school year. I must get going."

Jonathan: "Yeah, good luck."

And gave me a smile.

I nodded and gracefully walk passed him.

He walked pass me, to where ever he was going.

I turned my head and looked back. Watching the back of him disappearing in distance.

Then I held my butt with both of my hands, and rushed into the restroom.

Kicked the stall door open, place the toilet cover sheets over the toilet...

Ripped my pants open, pull them down.

And I sat down.

*Boom*

Uhhhh... Ahhh... Uhhh...

Instead of feeling relieved... I felt horribly sad.

"I will probably never going to see him again... Why did I mess it up? Why did I have to shit so bad? Why didn't I hug him? Why didn't I exchange email with him? Why?"

That 4 minutes with Jonathan, was really a bonding moment. I felt it myself. I'm sure he felt it too.

Even till today, when Jonathan came to mind, I would wonder, if I didn't held back at that moment, would we end up hugging? Or he was just going to shake my hand? What could have happened?

*sigh*

So, Jonathan, how are you? What have you been up to?

Do you still remember me?